Stage Code List

TO ALL OPERATING TECHNICIANS

It has come to the attention of the management that abusive and locally colorful language has become all too commonplace during the run of some performances. Since it is our endeavor to maintain the formal and professional decorum of the theatre, we will have to curb the “f**ks” and “sh*ts” that permeate the backstage areas. We also recognize the need for the technicians to creatively express themselves, so we have devised the following code list where a 100-series number will quickly identify a particular feeling or situation.


LIGHTS
101 This board is a genuine, honest-to-God, bona-fide real life copy of a piece of horse shit.
102 Ahh, COME ON! A trained octopus couldn't take a cue like that.
103 I think the dimmer pack is on fire.
104 I wasn't even near the light board.
105 Somebody backstage must have done it.
106 This fuckin' light would look great in an outhouse.
107 Is this fiasco over yet?
108 Hey, turkey, you're supposed to stand in the light, that's what it's there for
109 You want me to take how many presets in ten seconds?
110 If you want that kind of garbage, buy a light organ.
111 That's the ugliest set of color washes I have ever seen.
112 The turds upstairs won't buy us one.
113 Even if they did buy one, it wouldn't help.
114 Is it act three yet?
115 It was a dimmer creep.
116 Send the cute one up to the light booth

SOUND
120 You couldn't hear a stick of dynamite at ten paces.
121 Back off the mic, asshole.
122 This amp wouldn't make a lovely boat anchor.
123 Don't thump on the mics.
124 Don't blow into them either.
125 Is this turkey over yet?
126 Must be a wire loose... somewhere.
127 Ah, I think the console's on fire/
128 No, dipstick, you're supposed to use the other end of the mic.
129 If you want that kind of bullshit, buy a synthesizer.
130 I'm deeply sorry I do not have enough cord to go to Cuba.
131 Of course the stack is leaning, you set the fucking thing right on my foot.
132 Send the cute one up to the sound booth.

FOLLOWSPOT
140 How come I always get the ones that move like a rabbit in heat?
141 You want that kind of coverage, Scrooge, hire another followspot.
142 No sucker, six colors is all you get.
143 I prefer the crotch shot, myself.
144 These machines aren't worth doodly squat.
145 Can we do without the next cue? I gotta go pee.
146 More BEER!
147 I can't help it – some bear in trousers and a funny hat just stomped my light out.
148 Send the cute one up the spot booth

BACKSTAGE
150 You said to drop it, you didn't specify where and how fast.
151 BORING
152 Is this piece of horse do-do over yet?
153 Hey you, don't run into my baton so hard.
154 Gone for pizza, take the scene shift without me.
155 Hey asshole, you want to stand under the sandbag over here?
156 Good golly Miss Molly, will you look at the gazongas on the one that just walked in.
157 Ever heard of casters? Little round things, make moving really easy.
158 If God had wanted that fucking tank to fly. He would have put wings on it.
159 Touch that again and I'll hang you by your balls from the highest point on the grid.
160 If you don't mind, I'd like to do it wrong my own way.
161 I've got the cute one backstage.

STAGE MANAGEMENT
170 Is there any possibility that we can all take this cue together?
171 Lights: this is your wake up call.
172 You want a live cow onstage during what scene?
173 Well, I've never heard of that scene before.
174 Cues 16 through 82.... GO!
175 Any chance of us starting anywhere near on time?
176 Fuck cues 130 and 131
177 Oh, suck mine.
178 Sideways
179 Call 'em like you want 'em or take it like you get it.
180 You couldn't find two St. Bernards if they were screwing in the same phone booth with you!
181 WHAT did you say was on fire?
182 What is someone as talented as me working on a piece of junk like this?
183 Pardon me, but you have obviously mistaken me for someone who gives a shit.
184 Half over, guys.
185 This same old shit has got to stop.
186 Is it art yet?
187 Sit on the pin rail and spin, fucker.
188 Can't talk now, some fucker stole my code list.